- On-again-off again relationships.
- It’s why I started studying particularly difficult conversations. With colleagues, I wrote the book, Difficult Conversations. Home town reading, little nephew says, “That stunk.” Older brother replies, “It was supposed to stink.”
- Everyone of us on this planet has difficult conversations in our lives. If you work with other people, if you live with other people, you have difficult conversations. It is part of humanity.
- The more senior you become in your organization, the more difficult conversations you have. How you handle those conversations defines your leadership.
- It tells me that you care a lot about what you do. It tells me that you care a lot about the people you are doing it with. You don’t want to jeopardize those relationships.
- What are the most difficult conversations? Standing up for myself. Disappointing someone. Working across cultures and functions. Telling my boss they are wrong. Helping my peers with their “self-awareness.”
- We have to look beyond what we are saying to each other. We have to look at what we are thinking and feeling. We need to listen to our internal voice.
- Is she wearing the same blue sweater as last time? Yes. It’s a great sweater.
- Good friends don’t necessarily make good business partners. Sketch with conflict between partners.
- Internal voices are preoccupied with very predictable things during these conversations.
- Every difficult conversation has the same underlying structure.
- What are you right about?
- Whose fault is it? Who screwed up? Who dropped the ball?
- Why is the other person acting this way?
- The more frustrated we are with a person, the more likely we are to tell a negative story about them.
- When a conversation gets to the difficult stage, we are usually highly emotional. They usually give us several conflicting emotions.
- The strong feelings create a dilemma for us. In North America, we think that we shouldn’t bring our feelings to work. Whether they should or do, we truly do bring them to work. They fuel the conflict between us.
- The deeper problem is how we feel the other person is treating us.
- Often what really underlies it is what the difficult conversation suggests about ourselves. What does it say about me?
- Often we have two topics, two talkers and zero listeners.
- The key thing to do is change the story in your head. Align the story in your head with reality.
- What do we each think this conversation is about? If you figure it out, we can ask why do we see this so differently?
- What did we each contribute to this?
- Blame tends to look at who is most at fault. It could be a group. Blame tends to assume that someone did something wrong.
- Contribution recognizes that we each played a part. Contribution recognizes that scope can change. It could be beyond just the two talking.
- Separate intentions from impact.
- What if we could stop worrying about who is right and instead figure out why we see things so differently? What if we could shift from blame to contribution? What if we could give the benefit of the doubt on intentions and be very clear about the concern over impact?
- It shifts from telling to asking, exploring. It also allows for greater transparency and the power of the conversation.
- There’s a difference from talking at – talking to – talking with.
- It’s not about having one magic phrase that will change everything. It is ongoing.
- Stay curious. Be accountable. Hold each other accountable.
- What if you could do that in your life? What if we stopped holding our own identity as either/or? What if we could see ourselves as God sees us, fallible but worthy of love?
- Person was acting in distress. How many stopped? 10%. It was seminary students headed to talk about the Good Samaritan.
- The challenge is that when we are in our busy lives. When they had 20 minutes before talk, 50% stopped.
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