We swim in an ocean of feedback.- It can be formal or informal. It is your performance review. It’s also the way your daughter’s eyes light up. It’s the parenting tip from your in-laws.
- Feedback was on our list 100% of the time when we talked about difficult conversations. It didn’t matter in what industry or location we were in.
- Are feedback conversations not working as well as you want to or need them to in your organization?
- We taught leaders and managers how to give feedback. Organizations spend billions of dollars a year on training people on how to give feedback.
- There’s a lot you can learn, but it wasn’t solving the problem
- What if saw receiving feedback as a skill?
- The givers in my life are kind of terrible at it. If I’m going to drive my learning, I need to learn how to receive feedback even when it is delivered poorly.
- 2 Human Needs: The need to learn and grow & The need to be accepted or respected or loved the way we are now.
- Feedback can be among the most painful experiences in life.
- Some of the most important lessons in your life have come from the most painful experiences in your life. Why is that?
- There are three different kinds of feedback:
- Evaluation: ranks or rates you. Sets you against your peers. Your evaluation, your time in the 5K race, your cholestrol race, the DTR conversation
- Coaching: anything that helps you get better. Mentoring, advice, suggestion
- Appreciation: I see you. You matter around here. When people say, “I wish I got more feedback” what they may be saying is that I wish I was noticed.
- How much of these are you getting and what would you like more of?
- As you become more senior in an organization, you get fewer and fewer people who are willing to give you more coaching.
- Evaluation and coaching get tangled up together. When you get a paper back in college, you’d always look at the grade first. The margin comments were the coaching.
- Even when we hear coaching, we don’t always take it.
- Why do we reject the coaching? “It was wrong.” “I didn’t respect them.” “I didn’t trut them.” “They were phony.” “Not aligned my values.” “I was too stubborn, or too young.” “I was in love (or so I thought).”
- Getting better at receiving feedback does not mean you have to accept the feedback.
- If you cannot say no, your yeses are not freely given.
- As human beings, we’re really good at wrong-spotting. If I can spot what’s wrong, I can set it aside and not have to worry about it.
- Here’s the problem: you’ll always find something wrong with the feedback. It might even be 90% wrong but the last 10% might be what you really need.
- Three Triggered Reactions:
- Truth Triggers
- Relationship Triggers: It’s about whose giving you the feedback; I’ll often have a bigger reaction to the who than the what. Sometimes the people closest to us trip the relational meter that prevents us hearing what they’re saying.
- Identity Triggers: individual sensitivity to feedback can vary by up to 3000%.
- The social norms about how we talk about feedback vary widely around the world. The good news is that skills are the same around the world.
- Skill #1: Not doing something. Wait and evaluate if something needs to be done. Feedback often comes with vague labels. First you have to understand what they’re telling you.
- Skill #2: See youself clearly. Everyone has blind spots. How many of you have seen yourself in video or heard yourself in audio? That’s what other people see themselves every day. Examples: facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, patterns of behavior, impact on others. You’re not at the meeting-after-the-meeting. What do you do to address this?
- Skill #3: Enlist a friend to help. Friends are like mirrors. They can be supportive. We need supportive mirrors so that we can get to a place we can learn. Take the next step to ask them to help you. Ask them to be an honest mirror. What might be right about this feedback? Your friends can help you when you’re ready.
- The fastest way to change the feedback culture in any organization is for the leaders to become better receivers.
- You become a role-model for what you value and respect.
- When you become a better receiver, you become a better giver. The quality of all your feedback conversations get better.
- The key to getting valuable, helpful feedback is one thing. What’s one thing that you really appreciate? What’s one thing you see me doing – or failing to do – that you think I should change? Invite the richer converation.
- The tension between wanting to grow and learn and being accepted is not going away.
- The model is Jesus Christ. He accepts us in our brokeness and he commands us to learn and grow.
- The catalyst from much of my own growth has come through relationships through others. We learn to love more generously, to forgive more freely, to see the log in my own eye before I see the speck in others.
- “Love each other the way you love me.” – Jesus
- When you receive feedback will accelerate your spiritual walk.
Great insight and session.
Every person can learn to give and receive feedback in a much better way.